Coffee With Mom by Mike Glenn — Book Review

Anyone who has been a caregiver to a parent with Alzheimer’s or dementia will find things to relate to in Mike Glenn’s musings about his mom. I did. (see my posts Wash One Another’s Feet?? and Washing Feet (continued)).  As the “decider” of the family Mike’s mom did not gracefully accept her son’s new role as her guardian.  She was often angry and she let him know it! She didn’t want to give up her car keys;  she didn’t want to move from the home she had lived in for years;  she didn’t want to leave her church for the one Mike was pastoring.  However, her continuing descent into dementia made these things necessary.

Mike came to see that:

“Her happiness was no longer the goal;  her health and well-being were.”

To others facing a similar situation he says:

“The only thing that matters is if you can live with yourself and the decisions you make…. No one has figured out Alzheimer’s.  Don’t be angry at yourself because you didn’t figure it out sooner, faster or better.  You did the best you could, and sometimes, that’s all you can do.”

Mike maintains his relationship with his mother by stopping by for coffee with her every morning and is able, at times to relive family memories.  He realizes that her time at the piano is her way to pray, and he finds humor in some of her comments to him, many of which he “tweets.”  For example:

• “My friends tell me you’ve been talking about me.  How do you get on that internet thing so I can talk about you?”
• “Your sermon was short (I went about 22 minutes).  After all week, I thought you would’ve come up with a little more.”
• Well, if you’re to going to buy me a car, get me a chauffer like that lady in the movie.”

Nobody’s journey with dementia is the same, but reading about the experiences of Mike and his mom can help us feel less alone.  This was a moving story, but frankly repetitive.  It would have made a better essay or article than a book.

Would you like to order this book? Follow the link below to learn more:

https://www.lifeway.com/en/product/coffee-with-mom-P005813403

 

VERDICT:  4 stars

 

The Lutheran Ladies received a free copy of this book in return for an honest and fair review – Disclaimer pursuant to FTC 16 CFR Part 255

 

A Gentle and Quiet Spirit

Who exemplifies this verse to you?  It always makes me think of my mother.  She is in a nursing home now with Parkinson’s disease and dementia, but that gentle and quiet spirit still shines through.

How does the Bible describe gentleness?

“A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.”  Proverbs 15:1

Many people in mom’s situation are angry and frustrated.  They act out and make difficulties for those around them.  I know mom is frustrated, too, when she cannot find the words to tell us what she wants, or can’t remember the answer to a question we ask.  Yet, I have never seen her behave in an angry, rude or confrontational way.

“…walk in a manner worthy of the calling to which you have been called, with all humility and gentleness, bearing with one another in love, eager to maintain the unity of the Spirit in the bond of peace.” Ephesians 4:1-3

Mom has always been a humble person, never one to be demanding, or put herself first. She bears with her situation patiently.

“Remind them to be submissive to rulers and authorities, to be obedient, to be ready for every good work, to be gentle and show perfect courtesy toward all people.”  Titus 3:1

Once again, gentleness seems to be associated with courtesy.  My mom’s behavior always taught me to be kind and courteous to others.  Courtesy doesn’t seem to be valued these days, but it can go a long way toward winning someone over.  Listen to this:

“…always being prepared to make a defense to anyone who asks you for a reason for the hope that is in you:  yet do this with gentleness and respect.”  1 Peter 3:15

Being gentle will further our witness to Christ.  Who has taught you the art of being gentle? We want to hear your story.

Washing Feet (continued)

In our society, few of us experience being a servant.  We have bosses at our jobs and we are subject to their authority, but we can walk away at any time and get another job.  Most of us would not put up with being treated like a servant in our relationships – we would get a divorce or just refuse to comply with those expectations. We are taught to avoid “being a doormat.” Yet as Christians we are called not just to be servants, but “slaves of God.” Romans 6:22.  A slave has no choice in where he goes, or what he does, he is totally controlled by the commands of his master.

 Once in a Bible study a member of our congregation told us she learned to be a servant when she cared for her mother with Alzheimers. That really impressed me.  I had never thought about being a “servant” as an opportunity. 

 I am thankful to this friend for her insight because in a few years God gave me this same “opportunity.”  Once a week, I went to my mothers house (a one hour drive).  Mom had dementia.  I helped her to shower – yes, I washed her feet.  If you have never done this, it is a humbling experience.  I knelt on the hard bathroom floor and having arthritis myself, it was sometimes hard to get up.  It was not easy to see Mom in such a vulnerable position.  I had to help her dress and undress.  Sometimes she soiled herself.  Next I fed Mom lunch, or took her out to lunch.  I cleaned her house and checked her refrigerator.  Sometimes we went to the bank.  We looked through her picture albums or watched TV.  Most of the things I imagined doing with her when I retired were not possible—her attention span was too short, and her memories just not there anymore.  It was difficult for us to carry on a meaningful conversation.  It wasn’t always pleasant.

 Now I am not holding myself up as a wonderful Christian example of service.  Far from it. For one thing, I love my mother.  She took care of me, so in a sense caring for her was no more than payback.  The Bible tells us that “even the tax collectors” do good things to those they love.  I also am fortunate to have six siblings who shared in her care.  Some of them did much more than I.  I gave up my time only once or twice a week and I did this only for a year before Moms condition worsened, and she went to a nursing home.  Many, many people care for family members constantly and under more challenging conditions.  What I want to say is I am thankful that due to my faith, I was able to accept this task as what God wanted me to do, and know that it was not just for Mom’s good, but mine.

 “And we know that for those who love God all things work together for good, for those who are called according to his purpose.”  Romans 8:28

 So what did I gain from this experience?  I learned patience and humility.  I learned adjust my expectations to what Mom was able to do.  I learned to slow down and do the best I could each day I was with her. I learned to appreciate her as a child of God, rather than anything she could do for me. I learned gratitude for other family members and for small affirmations, like the time Mom told me, “all my children are good to me.”

 So, I ask you again, “whose feet have you washed?”  How do you feel about being a servant, and what have you learned?